Love, Growth, and the Fear of Leaving People Behind

When I was a kid, I knew when something didn’t feel right to me. My grandmother used to joke about the meticulous child I was in preschool. I didn’t like getting my hands dirty and would only read books or play with water toys. I was just as selective about the people I would play with, which led to some lonely days at times. If it didn’t feel good to me, I wouldn’t do it. But as I grew older, this behavior was frowned upon. Suddenly, leaving a job or a relationship that didn’t feel good to me was considered unstable. Friendships or family relationships that felt toxic to me were to be tolerated because, “life is short, and you don’t know if someone could die tomorrow.” Imagine holding onto a harmful relationship that has makes you cringe whenever their name comes across your caller ID, not because you cherish their company, but because they may get hit by a bus tomorrow. Madness, right? 

There was an opposite side of this coin. Because I was so selective about the relationships I cherished, once someone became important to me, I’d hold onto them for dear life. I was one who valued the friendships and relationships I’d see on TV; the best friends who had been connected at the hip since kindergarten, the high school sweethearts who enjoyed 40 years of wedded bliss before passing away days apart because they couldn’t live without each other. When a friendship didn’t work out, it would cause such pain for me. In my mind, those relationships were not meant to end. We were all supposed to get rich together. We were supposed to travel the world together. Then, we were supposed to reminisce from our rocking chairs at the nursing home before dying together. 

As I write this, I realize how intense these feelings have been. I have lost a few “besties” in my life. They’re not dead, but we’re kind of dead to each other. I held onto romantic relationships for much longer than I should have. What would people think if I leave? Am I being disloyal? Should I just be grateful for things as they are? If this person won’t grow with me, does that mean that I need to shrink for the sake of peace? 

The truth is that healing and personal development can be a beautiful, freeing, and lonely process. When we connect with each other at a given time, we meet each other’s frequencies. However, that does not mean that this will always be the case. Nobody leaves this life being the same person they were when they got here; at least they shouldn’t. The assignment is to change, to grow, and to flourish as much as possible. But what happens when your wings are spreading, but the people around you are still grounded? 

Throughout my adult life, I’ve read hundreds of books, listened to hours of podcasts, speeches, and personal development videos.  I’ve hired coaches and took courses. I’ve done the exercises. However, throughout my journey, I realized that a major roadblock that stood in front of my growth was not the people in my life. It was about my own internal fears of what they would think of me wanting to grow. I’d attend a virtual mastermind meeting, filled with inspiration and ready to act on my dreams.  Shortly afterwards, I’d hop on the phone with a loved one who would lovingly pop my balloon with words of caution. “Girl, you’d better stick with that job, it’s hard out here.” “I know you’re not happy, but that’s life.” “Maybe wait until the kids are older or the economy improves.” “It’s too late for that, now.” 

I was trapped between what was best for myself and what was comfortable for everyone else. I wanted so badly to blame them for holding me back, for crushing my dreams, and for not growing with me. Presently, I now realize that I wasn’t being fair to them or to myself. Subconsciously, I was taking my dreams to them because I wanted them to tell me that I couldn’t do it. Maybe I did this because there was a part of me that agreed with them. Maybe I was afraid I would leave them behind and that they would resent me. I’ve often sat at tables where there were conversations about successful people. “She thinks she’s all that,” and “Who does she think she is” would be some of the things that were said. 

Dealing with stuff like this would have me gaslighting myself. I’d create the vision boards and do the mirror talk. I would see the miracles happening in my life and know that I am an amazing manifester. But I’d also look at the people in my life and I’d feel like an alien.

Conversations would be harder. I no longer felt the desire to talk about bills and gossip and how everything is so hard. I’d want to talk about the latest book, business venture or creative endeavor. Doing this work, I learned to believe that anything is possible. But I’ve also had to learn that my path is my own. The same goes for my friendships, my relationships, my family, and whoever else I’ve been blessed to cross paths with. 

Outgrowing a person or a situation in life doesn’t equate abandonment. It doesn’t mean that you’re better than anyone or that anyone is better than you. Choosing what’s best for you doesn’t make you disloyal. You can still love someone while honoring your need to grow – even if they choose to stay where they are.  

Growing alone can feel like grief. You’re no longer the person you used to be, but you’re not yet where you’re going. The people who aren’t meant to grow with you are falling off, but the people you’re aligning with are still on their way. The space you’re creating is sacred. It’s where the right people, opportunities, and love will find you. 

When you’re going through a journey like this, it’s important to remember your why. Why did you want to grow in the first place, and what are you growing towards? It’s important to remember that choosing to remain stuck doesn’t help you or anyone else overall. It’s important to remember that it’s okay to grow even if it makes other people uncomfortable. And it’s important to regularly examine yourself to see where you’re holding back to keep a connection.