I Still Got it? Growing Older, Growing Bolder, and Sitting with the Fear

This post was not easy for me to write. 

For most of my life, I’ve thought of myself as if I were just born yesterday. I mean, I still like to color. I still like to play. I still like to dream of the future and of what I’d like to be when I grow up. But as I tiptoe further into my 40s, I realize that even though I still look rather young, my body doesn’t respond the way she used to. She needs more TLC. She aches. She stiffens. And to add insult to injury, every other commercial on TV and radio is targeted to her, reminding her that she will become weak and sick and will probably not be around much longer. Every disease and epidemic that is sold to us, drilled into our skulls, reminds us that we need to be not afraid, but be very afraid. And most all of them seem to impact black women the most. 

I’ve spent the past few days exploring sensuality and desirability in women of color at a certain age, and I realize that this topic deserves more exploration. But as I think of the desirable older woman that I want to be, having the best sex and living the best life I could ever imagine living, I can’t help but fear that my best years could be behind me. 

I’ve been sitting quietly for some time, holding these fears close to me (unless you’re super close to me, then you’ve probably experienced me freaking out.)  I think of how society would like me to think of myself – that black women suffer from obesity, high blood pressure, and diabetes. That we suffer from poverty and stress, and that these conditions can contribute to health problems as we age. That we pump ourselves full of medications that are often expensive and act more as band aids than they act as cures.

I feel the pain in my joints. I watch my face as it begins to change. I see a few more gray hairs pop up in my afro and I feel the fear. And then I listen to men talk about how older women aren’t desirable. When I allow myself to focus on circumstances and on society, I can’t help but feel that the life of black women of a certain age is doomed to pain, sickness, and being denied the love we deserve until the grim reaper makes his inevitable appearance. 

When I turn my attention away from society and into myself, when I listen to my body’s cues, even when she’s achy, she doesn’t tell me that it’s the end. She just asks for love, rest, more water, and more sunlight. She asks me to slow down from the hustle and bustle and allow myself to experience life – to BE instead of being so caught up in doing. I became intentional about learning my body after a doctor recommended the book, Eat to Live. I’ve since read many more books such as The Blue Zones, The Power of Positive Thinking, and The Power of Your Subconscious Mind. I followed the stories of people like Chef Babette, who went from being addicted to drugs to creating the best body of her life through a plant-based diet and improving her fitness. At times, I feel the fear.  I think of people in my family and people who I’ve grown up with who have succumbed to illnesses and conditions that could have been prevented or reversed.

I still think of myself as a young woman, even as my kids grow older and my body begins to change. I still have the firm belief that I can heal my body and mind and create an amazing life for myself as I age, as I’ve seen other people do it. We are not required to be slaves to genetics but can learn to be the masters of them.  

Currently, I am on a quest to reclaim my power. Some days, I do amazingly, and on other days, I struggle. I read something positive every day. I drink my water. I drink my kale smoothies. I exercise more days that not. I start my mornings with hot tea with honey. I throw on a red lip, some cute earrings, and I take a selfie. And I wonder to myself, and now out loud, what if aging isn’t fading? What if it’s deepening?

What if I’m not past my prime, but stepping into my most embodied, sensual version of myself? My 20-year-old self didn’t live for me, but for what people wanted of me. My sensuality was based on what was respectable or what my partners at the time would expect of me. I’ve since learned to explore sexuality for myself, to ask what beauty and health mean for ME, away from charts and statistics. I’ve begun to ask myself what would happen if I stopped fearing all the bad things that could happen to my body and appreciate how my body shows up for me today? This is something my 20-year-old self could never master. 

What if instead of being afraid of the aches and pains, I listened to what they wanted to tell me? What if the tragic endings that have happened with others, however unfortunate, were not my story? What if I got to choose my story? If I got to be the woman who built an amazing life within her amazing body, being intentional about experiencing the love affair of the ages and having amazing sex? What if I saw the gray tones as shimmering wealth instead of signs of decay? What if I had more power than I had ever given myself credit for?

Have you ever felt afraid of aging? Have you struggled to feel sexy as your body has begun to change? If so, remember that it’s not too late. We are still here. Still radiant. Still worthy of desire and of an amazing life.