The Truth About Healing: When You Know Better, But Still Struggle

When you’re on your healing journey, you come to realize that there is a duality. On one hand, you can be deeply self-aware and spiritually grounded but, on another hand, you can still find yourself spiraling into fear. Today, I found myself being reminded that healing is never a straight line. We never completely arrive at this destination where we just get it, at least not on this side of the veil. We can KNOW that we are powerful, creative, loved, and abundant... but sometimes, we don’t feel it. And when we don’t feel it, old habits and old ways of thinking can pop back up in the form of self-sabotage. 

Self-sabotage can be sneaky. It isn’t always obvious. It may not show up as laziness, recklessness, or excuses. Instead, it can show up as perfectionism, fear, and overthinking. It can show up as you subconsciously pushing your partner away “before he can hurt you.” 

With all the work I’ve done to develop as an abundance and manifestation coach, writer, and artist, I’ve read many books. I’ve listened to many interviews and podcasts. I’ve hired coaches. I’ve done the work and have witnessed miracles happening in my own life. But sometimes, something slips. I miss a week or so of reviewing my goals daily. I convince myself that I don’t have time to meditate today, but I’ll do it tomorrow. Little by little, I slip into this space of perfectionism; of feeling that I must be everything to everyone; of feeling that I need to have all the answers and not only do all the things but do them well. I find myself knowing better but struggling to do better. 

As I meditated this morning, I asked myself what I needed. The answer that came to me was that I had big dreams for myself, but deep down, didn’t feel that I was the person who could keep up with all the things that needed to be done to make those dreams happen. When we focus so deeply on the HOW, we end up frozen in time, stuck in indecision and losing sight of the WHY. The WHY is what drives us and makes us feel alive. It’s what makes whatever needs to be done feel worth the effort instead of seeing it as a never-ending to-do list that you don’t believe you can accomplish.

The truth is that we do not need to be perfect to live our dream lives. Healing in public, imperfectly, is powerful. It’s one of the most freeing things I have ever done for myself. 

The truth is that sometimes, we will fall off course. We’ll miss a few days at the gym. We’ll break down and eat a cookie or six. And that’s okay. But resetting and reconnecting with your why, the person you want to be, and the direction in which you want to go is always possible. The version of yourself that you want to be already exists – she just needs space to show up for you.

I’m currently fasting until sundown, giving a reset to my body and mind. Admittedly, I even found myself being discouraged about showing up on this blog today. The limiting beliefs show up and say things like, “You’re wasting your time. Hardly anybody reads this. Your metrics are going down. Just give up.” But then I think back to my younger self who had all these dreams and ideas but quit on herself because she felt that nobody believed in her or supported her. I think of people like Oprah Winfrey who was fired from her job as a news anchor and went on to become one of the most powerful women in media. I think of Colonel Sanders who became a success at an age where most people are headed to their rocking chairs or to their graves. I reminded myself that the people we want to be are built from within before they show up on the outside. Furthermore, humans in general are trained to be so modest that we often don’t even realize that we’ve been winning the entire time. 

The painful space that exists between who you’ve been and who you’re becoming is called ego-shedding. It’s the part of the journey that nobody glamourizes: the dip after the breakthrough, the fear after the clarity, and the doubt after the decision. You’re not failing if you’re experiencing this – you’re expanding. 

It’s important to remember that your magic isn’t in being perfect – it's in showing up through the mess repeatedly and giving yourself grace like I am learning to do. If I can do it, trust me, you can too.