Unlearning Shame: Exploring Kinks, Pleasure, and Sexual Freedom without Guilt

Last night, my partner and I spent the night talking about kinks – some I knew I had and others that surprised me. It blew my mind that I not only learned more about what I liked and didn’t like, but that I was able to have such deeply raw and vulnerable conversations with anyone – especially in a world where many people are still deeply repressed. 

Society teaches all of us in one way or another to feel shame about sex. As a child, saying the words “penis” or “vagina” were dirty words. Most of us were not given healthy education of what love is, what sex is, or that humans are designed to not only experience sex but enjoy it. We hear more about abstinence, preventing pregnancy and STIs, and if you’re a black woman, you’re taught to keep your body count as low as possible and present yourself respectfully. Having curiosity about sex was a no – and if you were open to having sex, it had better be good, clean missionary sex – and only dirty girls gave head. 

Being honest about what we really want in the bedroom can get us shamed – unless it’s exactly what our partners want – at least that was my experience in the past. Good girls didn’t give head, but most men want head and when they did, you’d better give it. And don’t expect to get head in return, as many men don’t believe in reciprocity. 

When we deny ourselves of our desires, we deny parts of who we are. You wouldn’t walk into Subway and order whatever the person working there felt comfortable giving you. You’d confidently say that you wanted lettuce and onions, no tomato, and add mayonnaise. Why is it so difficult for us to empower ourselves with what our bodies want south of the border? It’s not quite different. 

I started off being a Catholic girl who thought that my desires were gross and wrong and would likely have me burning in hell, but I still explored my body as much as my fear and anxiety would allow, because that was what my body wanted. Today, I’m a nonreligious spiritual woman who understands that my body is designed for pleasure, and that pleasure heals. With every healthy sexual encounter, with myself or with my partner, I heal my sacral chakra. I release shame. I reclaim joy. And I feel safer in my body. 

The messages I received about sex as a child were never about me. As the child of teenage parents, I carried the guilt of my own conception along with Catholic guilt and societal shame. Black women throughout history have been both hypersexualized and deemed undesirable at the same time. No wonder so many of us deny ourselves the pleasure we crave under the impression that it makes us noble. With everything that’s happening in the world at any given moment, what I choose to do with my vibrator should be the least of anyone’s concerns. 

Most of us live our entire lives without ever knowing the messages, guilt, and shame that we carry along about sex and love. Not only are we allowed to stop and examine what unapologetic pleasure means to us, without shame, we deserve to do so. The past can only continue to influence us if we continue to allow it. 

Remember that exploring your sexuality isn’t just about sex – it's about freedom, truth, embodiment, and healing. Your pleasure is sacred. Your body is wise. You are safe to explore the fullness of who you are.