I Love You, but I Love Me More

Memorial Day for me was hectic – not unlike a lot of holidays or other times where family is involved. I usually spend these days anxious, stressed, and unhappy. I usually spend these days hoping for them to end. On one hand, it’s a day off work, a day of a bit more sleep and maybe some good food. But on the other hand, there can be dysfunction, arguments, and a lot of boundary violations. As a recovering people pleaser, I’d usually find myself wanting to keep everybody happy while simultaneously being upset that my efforts were not being reciprocated. Yesterday was my breakthrough. 

After hours of nervous system dysregulation and after weeks of learning to listen my body and emotions, it finally clicked. My nervous system had had enough, and I honored myself by walking away. 

The me of the past would have felt guilty. She wouldn’t have wanted to upset anyone or hurt their feelings. She would stand there while she was yelled at and lashed out at, thinking, it’s okay. They’re just having a difficult day. They had a bad day at work or at school. I’m their safe space. They said they were sorry. The me of today realized that none of that mattered. 

Today, I realized that we’re often afraid to say no, we’re afraid of saying “don’t talk to me like that,” and we’re afraid to say, “whatever is going on inside of you does not give you license to disrespect me.” Many of us often wonder to ourselves, if I can treat others respectfully, why can’t they do the same for me? Too often, we don’t realize that the more apologizes we accept without changed behavior – or worse – the more we accept the fact that a person will never apologize, nor will they change their mistreatment of us – the more we give permission for the disrespect to continue. Yesterday, I reflected on my younger self – that young, outspoken girl who was told to sit down and shut up. I thought about the girl who said, “I don’t like the way she treats me,” only to be countered with, “Monique, that’s just how she is. Don’t let her get to you.” I thought about the many times I was told, “If you’re the only one who has a problem with this, then the problem must be you.” I remember how I was taught to ignore my emotions and stuff them down, because me being upset or wanting some form of autonomy for myself could equate being disrespectful to the people I wanted to respect me. 

As I sat in my nervous system dysregulation, taking space to breathe deeply and reconnect with my body and feel my emotions, I realized a particularly important fact. I had been the people pleaser. I had been the person wanting to make everybody happy. I stuffed down my feelings, worked jobs I hated, and would run myself into the ground. I realized that I wanted to make everybody happy, but nobody was really making the effort to make me happy. In fact, far too many people were benefiting from my lack of self-worth. As much as I would speak up and say, “don’t talk to me that way,” the response would be, “but I can’t help it because I’m upset.” Today, I realize that just because they believe they can’t control their angry outbursts doesn’t mean that I need to stick around to receive them. 

It’s easy to confuse love for self-abandonment. In fact, society teaches us that any decent person would abandon themselves for the better of everyone else. Far too many of us break ourselves down and make ourselves sick in the name of peace or loyalty.   I had been in therapy since I was eight years old, have dieted, have exercised, and have hired coaches. I’ve read hundreds of books, got certified as a life coach and Reiki practitioner and have dedicated years to doing this work. But I realized now that the missing component in all of this has been my own self-worth. 

There have been many times throughout the years when I’d go to therapy, just to return home to have my loved ones counter all the lessons that I had just received – being threatened with some ultimatum if I didn’t abandon myself and the work that I had done to do whatever it was they wanted me to do. A lot of times, we’re working hard to change ourselves and won’t even realize how we could be mixing poison with our medicine. Sometimes, it’s your own family who keeps you stuck in old cycles and choosing yourself might piss people off – but it frees your soul. 

Today, self-love looks like setting boundaries even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s about allowing yourself to feel all your emotions and trusting yourself even when people around you could be trying to gaslight you. Self-love is about no longer negotiating your worth. It’s about resting. It’s about creating how you want to create. It’s about honoring your voice. 

If you’re tired of being walked on and disrespected, you’re not broken – you're waking up. It’s time for us to top waiting for external permission to love ourselves. The day you choose you is the day everything begins to change. 

Journaling prompt: Where in my life have I abandoned myself for the sake of peace?